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barlong's Blog


Strange dream

I had a peculiar dream tonight...
I had taken the amulet of to sleep with untangled hair.

The dream made me realize pain and horrors.
Interestingly enough, I dreamt of two brothers. One weak and frail, one strong and fierce. Both where young, and the successors of this man, who denied them food.
If they didn't find it outside, they were not allowed to touch it. They where his children, and he had learned them to never go inside, but the fierce brother wanted to bring them food, even though the weak brother wanted to listen. A lot of things happen, but in the end they were devoured by the snake in the cellar of the balchony... a giant snake which had accid stomach.
The fierce brother had let himself be devoured by the giant snake to try save his brother, even though he had tried escaping it to be safe, he willingly jumped in to save his brother. It was then, while they were devoured, barely having their shappe visible on the outside. The water it snaked across, the stones on the wall, somehow the snake was torn appart by a unknown force. The young brothers souls perhaps.
When they came out of the dead snakes body, they both had each their own identical houses, but they had different paintings on them. The weak brother had a house which was simple and beautiful with a simple line of leafs across it as decor.
The fierce brother had a house of black, whit the whitest stars shining on it, and each side was different and wonderful. Both brothers showed each other their houses, and they had grown to be dressed as fine lords as well. No more children, as the acid of the snake had burned away anything unececary in them.
With this their roads seperated.
The weak brother chose to remain where the stomach of the snake was, creating his own world, as his house made flowers grow around him. The strong brother though, flipped his house together, knowing he would wander long to search for his place to be. The brother did not want to live in the ruines of the basement. He wanted his house to be placed high, in it's own rights far away from his father, so his house could grow beneath the real sky and have the sun shine for real on itself.

The brothers loved each other, but they were destined to move their own ways...
it was quite a horrible experience to being eaten by the snake. I felt the acid and everything, the beating of my "father". I was using the body of the strong brother, but at times I was the weak brother. In the shades there was a girl, who was to young to be either of them, and that the father had given scrapes of food to. She was just a person in the back, while the two brothers sought their way.

Gabriels words to me

I was sitting by a river in a spirit world. Gabriel had shown up and brought light into my soul, forcing my dark father away.

I told Gabriel how alone I felt, about the darkness, and how inable I felt to escape my dark father. That I feared becoming a demon again in death, that he would drag my soul back to where I "belonged". Or worse, that I would go there willingly. That no angel would be able to accept a being like me in the world of light if I were to return there.
I did not want to endure such betrayal again... I did deserve it, but not like that... I'm not going to say the exact words I used, but I was sorta down. I was certain there would be no such place as safe for my soul. Fear... I feared the hatred of angels... that they would never accept me, that things would be like the other time I tried to change into a angel.

Gabriel had been silence and let me talk, but then he bowed and sat in front of me, touching my chin and made me see up into his eyes before he spoke... "Your road will be harsh, and you might feel like your never going to change... but trust me, you will not have to go back to the things you once knew. We protect you. We protect everyone, but your safe. The light is within you already, and you already know how to use some already. Don't forget we're always here, I will always come when you call. I will protect your soul. It will not be easy though... don't forget your not alone" he smiled so strange and warm.
I felt really down and asked him "But what if I don't see you? What if he affects me wrongly? So I can't even see or hear you?" at this he replied "Even if you can't see, know you will never be alone again. Never lose hope. You will come through it, no mater how hard the ordeal. Don't give up. All the pain, even when it get worse, don't forget, I am there watching over you." he mentioned something about it not being a simple road and such as well, and I felt my breath stop a moment when he said it would get worse before I could feel happy.

Is it selfish? To believe a angel like Gabriel would watch over me?
Am I crazy? I don't really know, and I'm not sure if it matters.
I know Gabriel is protecting a lot of people in the world, so I don't feel I should bother him to much... sometimes lately, it's so dark, and I can't hear him. Though I finally got through to him, he made the darkness enveloping me go away and I saw him and heard him again.
It's cowering me really badly lately... my dark father is certainly trying hard to push me down these days. Maybe he do not want me to get ahead with a life.
My dark father said "You can't change. Humans can't change. It's better to give up and die. Come home. The angels can't protect you forever. Their not hear right now."... that was actually minutes before the talk with Gabriel. He had immitated a angel and snuck unto me when I was meditating.

That's why I talked to Gabriel...
This darkness is trying to consume my will... hope without will? That's almost folish. It makes me feel like I ...

I've considered it a lot... I've been thinking about it so much.
What can I do myself? I don't really know. I can only hope Gabriel will help me... lately I can't carry my amulet... I feel choked sometimes, and I know it's because of my dark fathers influence.
I am using my amulet all the time again, because it felt really shitty (my dark father materialized in my room one night). Like I saw him over me, but I wasn't afraid luckily. Fear would have feed him more, so I just watched him and asked what he wanted. He just stared... it was kinda creepy (I had gone without my amulet for about three days that time).
I've started sleeping without sleeping mask as well (can't let fear control me, though...), my sleeping mask is lost. After seeing his face over me though, I don't feel it's nececary, as long as I suddenly wake up to something like that again (so I begun using the amulet again). Baby steps I guess...
I don't see him with my amulet, so... all is good I suppose.
I feel better as well.

I don't mind if people find me crazy.
Honestly, I can be rash when I speak and acting. I am still learning. And really, what I say don't make a lot of sense to someone who has never experienced this kinda happening. Past lives? Demonhood? When I was 5 years old I knew I would be considered crazy if I ever spoke about it so I didn't. But living by a lie, acting something I wasn't, I couldn't do that. I can't stand lying, not about anything.
I must be true.

I really try to be kind, I really do.
It's just so hard sometimes. It feels so dark and clouded... like anger is devouring me.

I am glad though... these memories, these happenings and experiences, they have learned me a lot. I should thank Gabriel for protecting me the times I don't see him.
Thank you...
And thank you who is reading this without judging me.
 

Damn it...

I want to start doing some... fighting excercice again.
Why the hell do I wanna do that? I know I shouldn't do that sorta thing with my emotional anger sometimes blowing up.
Yet I just know, if I had a boxing bag to went my frustration on... I would feel so much better. Especially placing a picture of someone I dislike on it. What the heck are emotions doing to me?

Wrong for this world

No matter what I think about, there is no one around me.
I am alone... no one would save me if I died... I don't have people who care for me. A angel? He might even be some sort of imagination to somehow not feel alone... the demons? They are more likely to be no one but my brains feeble attempts on making me feel less lonely. Though they whisper "You don't belong, and no one cares... what is stopping you? You value life? In a world where no one cares? Don't kid yourself... you don't care... come home to the darkness... we will welcome you. Follow me back". Death, simple but why not? I value life, but as the demons say, am I mocking myself? Hell no, they are insulting me!!! Not caring? I care for life... thankfully I have demons to piss me of just enough to make me wish to live and prove them wrong. Then again...
I am alone. Really alone.

This depression and darkness fills me to the top of my lungs. It's drowning me, crushing me to there is nothing left. Even with these feeble emotions in me... what can I do? I long to die, I long to be gone. I wish I won't have to care, for I know I can't find someone sincere. Someone who really would be a friend. I am to wrong for this world.

The cross effect on me

I somehow have felt, after finding that cross, that.... that.... .... ... damn, that I want to know more people. And I feel more emotional. I have no idea what's going on, I just feel like people might be nice to know. Even though I have been so... even though people most don't... ...anyways, I just can't help this feeling. :/
I think... Gabriel... .... ... .... ....
Damn him, why must I like the company of that angle. Why is he nice. I don't like nice angels... well I do, but I can't find a reason to dislike him the more he does for me or the more things he does.

Pride perhaps, not arrogance

Sometimes people tell me this.
"Your arrogant" simply that, because I do not agree with their ideas. Whatever the hell that means, is to me clearly not arrogance.
I know one thing.
I have no incredible belief in myself as a supreme being of a human. I have never considered my life important, and hell I even consider myself worthless. Arrogance? Me? It's the worst joke I can ever think of.

There are sides with me that some might find obnoxious, of course.
Though, if I win a game and enjoy winning, it's more about pride than arrogance. When someone tells me "Your arrogant" when I win, I always feel like punching them. Hell, I hardly has anything to enjoy, and the moment I feel good about something they are going to call me arrogant? What the fuck is wrong with people? Do they deliberately wish me to suffer all the time? Can't I exclaim "I won" if I won a game? Must I sit like a fucking dog and not even wag my tail if I win? Can't I enjoy a little pride the second I win? I get so annoyed and irritated with people who label everything as arrogance, heck it proves their arrogance. They can't allow someone else to feel good, because "Hey, that's not them, they must be arrogant". I NEVER CONSIDER MYSELF BETTER THAN OTHERS!!! Arrogance, as far I know means considering yourself better than others, and trust me, such a feeling has never existed in me. I know my low worth, I know my worthless ness, considering where I am and being labeled such it's like placing me at the other end of the line where I never ever touched ground.

Sheesh.
I might have some pride in my drawing skills, and I might have pride in my ideas for they are my own, I have pride perhaps in many things, even with my worthless opinion of myself. Arrogance, if anything is the last thing I ever would have.

I realize many people are ignorant idiots, simply labeling others to push someone down to make themselves better than others. In my eyes that is true Arrogance. It's insulting when arrogant people push their label on you. It's not arrogant of me to say what I wish no part of. It's not arrogant to say my opinions when I consider something wrong. It's not arrogance to show joy by winning (yes it's childish perhaps, but it's not arrogant to say "Yeah I won. Fortuna is my friend".

Tell me then, what's arrogant about such a statement?
"Yeah I won, fortuna is my friend"? What can be arrogant about that? I am simply stating that luck was on my side during the game. Luck, not my skills, neither my lame abilities in keeping my poker face. (though when I play poker I never move a muscle)
I don't even think it's pride in stating luck was on my side.


People are jerks, and I simply can't stand arrogant people.
Yeah... I'm a misanthrope so I don't have to explain my opinions on people in general. If it makes me arrogant to think everyone is equally trash, then so be it, even if I though a world where everyone is equals should be something sought for as no one is better or worse than you.
(except arrogant people... I really can't put them on everyone else and mine level)

Risk legacy, incredible luck

So I was playing Risk legacy for the first time ever tonight.
Two days before my sister showed it to me, and I was like "oh... two continents that is unnamed, I'm going to name the green region something with dragons... and win a city and name that damonia or something" and today I got my chance.
I got a easy start, with one extra start star as a newb gets in the game, I got the imperial which everyone else had lost with, and I got the last cards in drawing of turns and placement. But overall, I was quite happy with my cards and my race (seeing I saw them as something great as they had rounding up 3 each time).
So... I got my plan, and I got Australia right in the start. I saw the possibilities with my two dragon balls (the star and extra star). I decided to play safe and act stupid as always. I got quite a good start, and I saw someone get four cards. I realized the stupidity of changing those to people instead of a dragon ball star and decided to not do the same mistake as that person, and got my four cards into a dragon ball. I got three stars and was about to win, then... everyone went out to kill me.
I was down to one guy alone, but I was so damn lucky (no mater everyone else numbers when attacking), so I somehow survived, changed my remaining 3 cards to many people and took two stars by taking the main bases of people.

I won, and everyone were really shocked.
I really enjoyed having won with only one guy.

I named the green continent (that's usually asia in regular risk), I named it "Dragan Unicia". :D
It was everything I could hope for seeing how hard everyone tried to kill me, literally everyone tried and almost succeeded. I knew fortuna would not fail me though. Fortuna always give me a helping hand if it is something I really want. :)

So I am going to win one time more and get to name a city (everything I want now). Naming the world seems a bit much, but if I succeed in winning enough, I guess I could do that as well. :)

But then, I don't really wanna be greedy, I just want to name a city and the continent, which half my goal now is completed. :D

I really was in a unfavorable situation, but damn, with just one man, surviving and winning the game. :D

Blæh....

Only got 26 more stories to complete... man, I don't really wanna finish it all at once. When I finish that, I guess it will be the stories of doom. Seriously, why do everyone has a trouble I gotta have some opinion about (trying to avoid it as much as I can). I tend to be bad at advice either way. Sigh...

?

Something funny with my ep... O.o
Maybe those adds for Facebook is messing it up? Can't click anything like... just end up on my profile somehow O.o

Strange

*warning: not worth time for those who seek something interesting, and advise others not to read at all* 

I always feel strange, or so I though. 
Then I realize, it's not me but the world itself. How peculiar it has taken so long time to realize. Or maybe I knew. I think I know, but wording it is different. I just worded it wrong that's all. Human meanings are strange. 

When I look onto human faces, from these eyes.
They take me for a woman, one of mankind. Deception. I have succeeded in living among humans. 
I recall how easily they would kill my kind in the past. How silence was so all important. Still though. I shall not be open of my true nature or name. I shall be homeless a while yet. And with my new found soul resolution, I shall be mine again. Am I above other life? I do not talk down on things. 
My certainty only means I know certain things. Do you think I look down upon your life form? Your way to be? 
If people like you exist out there, which I know you do, your mistaking. I am talking down upon myself. I am a life form of less value, for I have been in a position of great power and misused it. I can not destroy myself, yet I destroy all around me. I only pray on the seven moons I shall not pass my misfortune to anything in this world. I am a doomed being. Love? Compassion? Do I have such things? Not really... I mimic what humans have. 

Tiresome. 

I find humans tiresome. Yet my unwavering faith in humans is somewhat discouraging. 
Demon... in ways it's wrong to call myself such, but I am certainly not one of the angels. Despicable things. Really. 

...
Long forgotten by all... in that past. 
This circle of life can be a curse or a blessing. I do not care to explain simple. Humans who do not understand, today, I shall not explain myself to you. Only to the kind that truly realize shall know. Understand me if you can, but if your of this world you shall never know. 

The rules of the worlds are different. 
I only have one chance to complete my goal. And it must happen during the next year before fall. I know it will come to pass. The future is not that vague, not among humans. And I know what it shall bring. The small change that will bury itself into others. 

Know this my ilk. 
I know you guys, but you have no idea still what my plan is. Be prepared. I am giving humans the only thing I know they lack, the one thing you have robbed them of. And in a way that you shall not control them. 
This thing you created will not end the freedom. As long as I got my fire, you can not rob me of my powers. You can not make me stop or control me. I am a wild soul of the white. And never shall others control me. Know me for the one I am when I place my gift among humans. 
That has been my only goal. 
And to you who name yourselves angels... simply fuck you.

*Peace out* 

ARG!!!!

I really like him, but I never though relationship, yet I can't help but like him. 
Why do I get like this around guys like that? If he had not shown interest I might have been better of... I wouldn't have had to deal with this mind of being partly in...... .... sigh... 

I don't wanna say it, I don't like to admit it. 
I don't wanna think that... that kinda emotions in me... 

Somehow I must get over it, yet I still haven't asked him if he likes me or not. I just... invited him to art. And I talk shit... I can't stop, because I like him. I even added him on Facebook, even though I though "Is it a good idea"? Since I am not really with this guy... even if he... he don't give impression like anything is going on though, or is he? I don't know. I feel so mixed. 
At the same time as I like him, I am torn, because I don't want to like him or do stuff. 
And I worry I might spoil out something weird if we do anything again. I don't wanna. I'd rather not like him more, if it's not serious. I don't feel good about it, though I like him it's just mixing me all up. 
It's best when no one likes me. 
I hope... somewhat, he don't. 

But if he does, I can't... I can't escape O.O
I'll become... the worst me... I'll be chained to someone else because I can't help but like him. I would be robbed of freedom. Though... if it keeps like this, it won't feel like I am chained. But if somehow I get more feelings. It's enough with this much feelings. I don't like the idea... that someone can hurt me again.

Holly Mongrow O_O

We kissed in the open today. O_O
And he talked something about relationships... I have no idea... are we together now or what? I have fucking no clue. O_O

I am lost, and I am lost. O_O

Why am I unable to understand this situation???? O_O

Hate over love?

Fuck... my mind is beginning to become unreasonable. Considering this guy like he could be interested in a relationship with me. I don't wish to consider relationships, neither that any guys would be with me like that. 
Of his own choice? Not likely...
I have to stop it, I mean I consider him worthy to throw away my time on by thinking of this possibility, and most likely he is not interested like that. This human side in me is despicable. I will not consider him a love option. 
Someone like me being loved? Should I really even consider it? 
I know he won't like me like that, yet this stupid fucked up sensation is starting to fuck with my human part. 
Love... yes... it's not unlikely if I don't act me... however, I have been myself with him most of the time. Because I consider it unlikely to be a relationship, considering his nature, I have not even considered to hide my own nature from him. In honesty, what the hell would a guy like him see in a fucked up person like me? 
It's fucking stupid to think about it like this. 
He don't even know half of me, yet I am already... somehow... ...
Fuck...

I asked him to come look at art at my school,  my art among some of the stuff. 
He has given the impression he is gonna come over to see it, he likes art he said. 
I am kinda pissed... I mean, if he is not serious, why give me this feeling there can under some weird unlikely chance be a possibility that we can be more? Or is he just seeing at us like fuck friends? I don't like to consider either. I don't want relationships. Not now... not... 
It's annoying. 
Fucking annoying... I fucking hate to even consider things like that. WHY!!!!
ARG!!! It's fucking with my mind so much, I don't even know where to start. AAAAAAHHHH!!! 
I can't tell if he is serious or not, and on top, I don't know how to respond. Somehow... it drives me crazy, because I don't understand this situation. Is this... what is this? What am I doing if I don't even want to consider it a relationship? What the hell is with me!!! I just wanna live like I always do... I don't need love. It's better if people hate me. I don't want to feel anything for anyone.
T-T'

I don't want my emotions to stir again. It... it's to painful. 
I should end whatever this is... before anything else happen.  I can still go back to normal. 
I can still be the fine hated woman that don't belong in this world. 

... 

Clueless

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Truly painfully annoying

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Soft skin creeps

When I think about it, it kinda creeps me out when guys tells me I got soft skin and can't stop touching my hands, shoulder or whatever. >.<
Why do every guy do that on me? It's freaking me out!

I don't like being touched that much, I get really tense by touch. 

...

Sometimes I find myself wondering "will I die?" and just as soon afterwards I realize I will live a little bit longer.

http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/HOME.html

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Exhibition

Overpricing my works... yeah I know, probably stupid, but I really like them. I don't wanna sell them quite easily.
I like them to much...

I look forward, kinda a little nervous. I am not sure how I should dress... I feel weird. Not sure. O_O
ah, now I worry about that guy talking about my tits, I mean, why would he comment it? I feel weird. Weird... really weird. I feelt really light when walking to school. Will I be okay in christmas? I get lots of time practicing harp later when my friend go this sunday... maybe monday. I am going to be alone a while... I want sex as well, though I don't know why my body should feel it so much lately. I am just honest. It must be something wrong with my body.
I hope I don't have to talk tomorrow... should I use guy shampo or smell like a woman tomorrow? Should I use a tie and a shirt or a dress of sorts? Shoes? I gotta work my shoes... maybe chains? or no chains... maybe... no idea...
Presents... I wonder if anyone will call me about my paintings. I don't wish to sell them, yet I do. I overprice them kinda because I need to know someone love them enough to buy them. O_o
I don't know... I also need cash, so it's a way to safe guard myself if someone buy it, so I can get enough cash to move a better place.

Maybe the teachers will ask me considering my price... I don't wanna change it though, it's the feeling I have for the pictures. I simply love them in a way. It's something I've made. I don't want to let them go so easily.
My mood: a bit calm

Sex I guess

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1-20 of 41 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Strange dream, posted April 19th, 2014
Gabriels words to me, posted March 22nd, 2014, 1 comment
Damn it..., posted February 26th, 2014
Wrong for this world, posted October 6th, 2013
The cross effect on me, posted September 21st, 2013
Pride perhaps, not arrogance, posted August 18th, 2013
Risk legacy, incredible luck, posted August 15th, 2013
Blæh...., posted July 22nd, 2013
?, posted June 29th, 2013
Strange, posted June 4th, 2013
ARG!!!!, posted May 29th, 2013
Holly Mongrow O_O, posted May 26th, 2013
Hate over love?, posted May 19th, 2013
Clueless, posted May 18th, 2013
Truly painfully annoying, posted May 9th, 2013
Soft skin creeps, posted March 27th, 2013
..., posted December 27th, 2012
http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/HOME.html, posted December 26th, 2012
Exhibition, posted December 12th, 2012
Sex I guess, posted November 26th, 2012, 1 comment
Casting bronze, silver, maybe gold, posted November 8th, 2012
The one which is no one, posted November 5th, 2012
Weird..., posted November 2nd, 2012
...., posted October 30th, 2012, 1 comment
Moving to the best school of norway, posted August 5th, 2012
Living?, posted July 26th, 2012
Tibetan hand bell, posted June 5th, 2012
The strange soul, posted May 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Romance test, posted May 14th, 2012
Nippiledia, posted May 12th, 2012
Meat eater, the fear of plants, posted April 17th, 2012, 1 comment
Revenge, posted April 4th, 2012
Kindness bad?, posted March 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Memorable, posted March 18th, 2012
Burning mind, posted March 16th, 2012
Damn bloody, posted March 8th, 2012
Poison, posted February 18th, 2012
Demon garbage, posted February 18th, 2012
Female troubles and astral (no need for more than one blog of this), posted February 10th, 2012
Future?, posted February 2nd, 2012
The demon with yellow eyes, posted January 30th, 2012
Dare deamon, posted January 29th, 2012
The truth of silence, posted January 19th, 2012
Rather ignoring, posted January 14th, 2012, 2 comments
Why chose?, posted January 13th, 2012
Really amusing, posted January 13th, 2012
Weird, posted December 30th, 2011
Depressed, posted December 30th, 2011
How I wish to die, posted December 30th, 2011
Harp dream revival of hope., posted December 24th, 2011
1-50 of 52 Blog Posts   

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